Time Traveller

Sooooo........
The magically crossroads of life..... left or right.... straight or backwards.... up or down.... Which way do you go....
Do you follow your Brain, do you follow your heart, or do you play Russian roulette and pick one of the air...So whats the choice.... Hurry life is flying by.... Make your choice.....
...>EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(brakes slamming)
Hell no i am in control here! I control my life i can control everything in it... you just put your mind to it... its kind of intriguing, you can mentally and physically take time and change the outcome, rewind, and instead of repeating the original answer, you can change the question. I recently had made a huge change in my life, some who know me , know what it was.... But I grabbed my life and played with the remote. I didn't rewind, you could say, but I hit the repeat button.... I grabbed life and changed the outcome of the original direction...

Now I sit here talking to myself babbling on and making no sense.... but you can change your life story... you can go back in time and change the end result... You just have to know how to do it...

Three years ago I joined the IUOE, I invested a lot of time and money and hours upon hours doing training when i could have been home with my family... It was my choice because i put family on the back burner, It went well for me but what i didn't see was my family falling away from me as i pushed myself and climbed higher and higher... Earlier this year my life took a big swing and missed the 90 mph curve ball as it crossed the home plate... this went on and things crumbled underneath me as i stepped and leaped around in my head trying to decide what i wanted... I chose and I was wrong...
I made a horrible choice and it cut me off at the knees...
I have always worked my butt off to be the best at what i am, the best at what i do... I have always exceeded and set new benchmarks and goals for myself... I strive to do the best i can...
and 90% of the time, I have made it happen... but the most important things in life aren't what you do, it is who you are. The man you are inside when it is all said and done... as for myself....
I am a father, I am a Husband, A brother, a Son and a friend.... I wish I could say I have always put these first but I haven't,  I have always said I have no regrets that I cant regret, because then i don't learn from things....
I am seeing a lot of new things lately, I want to say I strive to be the best, but that includes my family... I want to say that I am the best, I am the best dad my son can have, the best husband around... that I take care of my family and put as much effort into them as I do my career...
And I will be able to say that... I have applied at a local company in the Boise area, Working on Locomotives, I will be able to come home every night, I can say i love you to my sons face every night...To be able to lay next to my gorgeous wife every night......... I make the decision... i am choosing to take a new direction and go with it for a while....  maybe this job will be an outcome i want for a while, but maybe it wont last, I will always keep an ace in my pocket, but for now I play the low hand, the hand that isnt all that i would like, but it is the hand that will get me through and it is what i need to play right now.... Thankyou to a few very helpful individuals, and to a very select few older coworkers that give assistance and advice to help a young person who is about to make the same mistakes they did years and years ago.... I owe you....
So for now I am taking a withdrawal from the IUOE apprenticeship program, I will be back, when it is the right time...Now I start with a fresh step, a Redeal you could call it....

I don't expect pity or shock as you read this... but this me being real with myself... finding the man i am inside this body. I am not writing this post to you readers or to anyone... I am writing this to myself, so that if I get this out of my head, I can rewind and change time, so to speak before i lose more time... I put this out there for me as a release to my conscience, and my soul...

When the heart, the soul, and the body are at war, walls collapse, feelings disappear, like the snow melting away on a crisp cool spring morning. your days grow long from the miles your mind races, your body aches from being torn in two. You try to feel, if anything at all, like your whole world is new, and your unsure of where to begin. A flower grows, it literally crawls life out of a dark cold hole. It yearns to feel the warmth on its body as it reaches higher for new life. As it grows it stands Tall...Proud....through the rain, the storms, the days upon days in the heat and weather....Yet that flower still blossoms.... but all flowers die off, whither away, to be born again, into a new life.... when your soul is at war with your heart, it as if you can feel everything, and still nothing at all... you are lost, somedays all you yearn for is to be found... yet still others you wish to be lost, left alone... because it is easier to cope with these feelings by locking them away than face the true demons in yourself... the true demons are what makes a human a human, the flaws...it gives us our souls, our smiles, our love.....yet we lean to pushing them away....sometimes you can love something and life continues on, things change, you can let go but never forget.... your life is short, it is the one thing in this world that is for sure, when it comes, it was never enough, yet it was always set in stone.... care about the ones you love and the ones you have loved, embrace while you still can.... never have regrets, everything happens for a reason and whatever it may be is what got you to where you are today, made you who you are... everything in my life has got me to where I am today... no regrets, sure i look back and wish i could change alot.... but hindsight is always 20/20.... doesnt change..... when your torn apart, at war in your soul or in your heart... always remember.....you make your life what it is.....no one else but you....

-matt 26feb2013